Day 216

What do I do the day after I share the rawest post of my journey?
I get up and do 20 minutes on the elliptical, drink 32 ounces of water, and make a protein shake.
With a whopping 42 grams of protein:
1 cup fresh mixed berries
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1- 11 oz container of vanilla Premier Protein
Handful of romaine lettuce leaves
1 tsp turmeric powder
2 pumps sugar free raspberry syrup
Purée on high in the Vitamix for 60 seconds. Voila!
You may think I’m a freak for putting cottage cheese in a smoothie, but it is GOOD. It gives it a milkshake quality, and kicks up the protein. Just be sure to blend it SMOOTH.
This is also a great way to sneak in greens! Take it easy though, you don’t want a smoothie that tastes like soaked lawn clippings…
Happy Monday! Cheers!

Day 175

Just finished up my morning yoga.
Yep. You read that right.
Yoga is about strength. And flexibility. And taking the time to focus and meditate and breathe.
It’s not about being skinny. Or having a peach-toosh. Or even being bendy.
I do what I can, and guess what?
Each day I can do a bit more.
And I will not quit this time. I don’t have to be perfect. Or weigh a certain number.
I just have to keep moving.
So get up today. If you took zero steps yesterday, take 5 today. If you haven’t stretched in a while, start with a few bends.
All together now….progress not perfection! Keep it moving, lovey.
P.S. LOVING that Facebook tagged my sister here because face recognition thinks this pic is of her and not me. Tee hee!

Day 38

Day 38.
Weight gain can be a surreal thing.
Watching your body betray you as it morphs into someone you no longer recognize can make you feel like you’ve been Stephen Kinged…staring into the mirror at a foreign reflection.
(What is wrong with this mirror? That isn’t me. That CAN’T be me.)
And it starts to do things to your head.
The more weight I gained, the more I lost myself. Where did Angie go? Since I couldn’t see her, maybe she really wasn’t there anymore.
I stopped wearing bright colors. I didn’t wear as many hats or nearly as much jewelry. And consequently it affected the way I felt about the person I presented to the world. In short, I stopped being sassy.
And when I stop being sassy, I stop being ME.
So yes, I did cry a little when I saw this photo of me, taken this morning.

This is how I remember Angie.
Happy, goofy, wild haired, and glowing.
Don’t give up on your dreams for yourself. And don’t let anyone else tell you how to get there.

__________

Friday night dinner. Pan-seared bay scallops marinated in chimichurri sauce, roasted asparagus with goat cheese, and a smidge of avocado.

This was actually too much food. I could only eat one of the scallops, two of the asparagus, and about half of that piece of avocado.

But I gotta tell ya, I love making foodie type meals. And since I eat so little, I can afford to.

I paid $3.97 for a quarter-pound of bay scallops at Whole Foods. Since I could only eat one scallop, that quarter-pound will last me EIGHT meals. I also bought just over a pound of wild-caught salmon. I cut the salmon into FOURTEEN portions.

I put all the scallops and salmon portions into a gallon ziploc bag, and added my marinade. For this marinade, I went lazy. I bought a bottle of Chimichurri sauce from the Whole Foods “fish fridge,” and dumped the whole thing into the gallon Ziploc bag. Chimichurri sauce has zero sugar. And it goes great with any kind of seafood.

I let the seafood marinate for about 4 hours, then I heated a tiny bit of coconut oil over medium heat for 5 minutes, and then dropped in my 2 scallops. I seared them for 2 minutes on each side, and they were done. Scallops cook very quickly.

For the asparagus, I tossed them with a bit of melted coconut oil, about a tablespoon of shredded Danish goat cheese, and some pink sea salt and ground black pepper. I roasted the asparagus in the oven for about 10 minutes.

I think it is important to eat foodie-type meals. The few bites I eat as a bariatric patient need to be highly nutritious and very delicious. This way I will enjoy my food and savor it. I am not part of the boiled chicken and canned green beans camp.

I want to take a little extra time to make sure my food is prepared well and has excellent flavor.

The bonus to eating approximately 2 ounces of food at a time, is that now I can afford things like wild caught salmon. That piece of salmon was $26. And normally I would have eaten that at one sitting. Now that $26 piece of fish is going to last 14 meals.

So I took the rest of the marinated seafood, and put each piece in a separate Ziploc, and tossed it in the freezer.

Frozen fish that is already marinated? Yes please.

This will make dinner easy on those nights when I am too tired to cook. I’ll just toss a little piece of salmon into the steamer or onto the grill, and I’m golden.

What ideas do you have to simplify bariatric eating? What money-saving ideas do you have?

 

Day 36

Day 36.
I just put my piggies on the floor…and guess what?
No pain.
No aching joints. No shooting nerve pain. No wincing.
Starting my day off with no foot pain brings a different kind of tears to my eyes.
Tears of joy. And relief.
I walked 3 times yesterday. Over 6,000 steps. Just short of 3 miles.
Just over a month ago it hurt to walk 3 steps.
Those of you who are struggling with obesity, lost in pain or an eating disorder, and suffering in silence, I’m gonna need you to listen up.
Tune out the naysayers. Follow your path. The one YOU choose for yourself. Your journey doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.
Stop beating yourself up and accept the help that is available to you. And if you need guidance, just ask me. There are resources available to you.
You don’t have to spend the rest of your life binge eating and living in an unhealthy body.
There are options.
It’s going to be hard. But I have to believe that it’s going to be worth it.
Never give up.

__________

I have to tell you that a month ago I was about as hopeless as they come. My body hurt all the time. I felt hungry constantly. I was so hard on myself that I had already decided that even weight loss surgery wouldn’t work for me.

This is ludicrous thinking, because I work in a bariatric center so I see how much this procedure helps people…every single day.

But when your mind is sick, that’s what happens.

You can tell yourself lies that no one else would ever believe.

As of today, I’ve lost 33 pounds.

When a month ago I doubted that I could even lose weight anymore.

There is hope.

Reach out and take it.

__________

People will always be talking.

They run their mouths when you’re struggling with obesity. They run their mouths when you’re going to the gym. They run their mouths when you reach your goal weight and feel good about yourself.

That much is never, ever going to change.

So just decide right now that their opinions and ideas are really none of your concern.

Make your choice. If you know you need therapy for binge eating, seek it. If you know you need to walk more and you can physically do it, go on. Do it. You don’t need to go to the gym or lift weights. Just move your butt, if you can. If you know in your heart that you’re interested in bariatric surgery, research it. Go to a free informational seminar. There is no commitment. Just go and listen. Find out the options that are available to you. The more you know, the more informed you are, the decisions you make will be that much better.

Stop basing your decisions and your self worth on other people’s ideas and opinions. You’ve likely done it your whole life. It’s time to stop and do what is best for you. Make the choice that is going to help you live your best life.

__________

Martyrdom is so old testament.

It’s a brand new day.

Start seeking the brand new you.

 

Day 31

Let me tell you what my life was like no so long ago.

I would wake up at 4am, my mind reeling and my body aching. The stress of the day ahead would start to seep in, as I wondered how I was going to accomplish the laundry list of tasks I had to do, while suffering from the ever increasing pain in my feet and legs.

I had fractured my feet 3 times over 3 years. My attempts at Weight Watchers had yielded tiny results.

I was trying to exercise. But it was causing me so much pain, I couldn’t bear it.

So I would sit. Which made me sad. And what do I do when I’m sad?

Mmmm hmmm, that’s right.

I would eat comfort foods.

And then sit some more.

All day at work. All evening at home. Most nights I was passed out in a seated position in the living room chair as the kids and dog played around me. I had no energy. I was quickly losing hope.

I felt broken.

These are things a scale won’t show me.

At this writing, it has been over a month since I had gastric bypass surgery.

And even in this short amount of time, so much has already changed.

I’m not talking about the 27 pounds I have already lost. Or the baggy clothes. Or that I look 10 years younger, even to myself.

Though yes, these things are lovely.

But the things I am mostly referring to are the immeasurable.

I sit up in bed in the morning, in zero pain. Every day at noon, I walk clear around the hospital campus with my biz and we giggle our butts off. My clothes fit me more like clothes and less like a sausage casing. My fingers touch when I wrap them around my wrist. I can put my foot on the floor and tie my shoe instead of hiking it up onto my knee.

These are things a scale won’t show me.

My bath towel reaches further around me now. I can look at myself in the mirror, and see not perfection, but progress. My daughter’s pride in my hard work shows on her face every day. My back boobies are shrinking. I can stand up out of a chair at work without grunting. I can attend a function with my girlfriends and enjoy the company and our insanely loud laughter without obsessing about what I am going to eat.

These are things a scale won’t show me.

I can say no to bread and chocolate and beer, because I know right now, those things would truly hurt me. My friends and family have given me more love and support than I ever could have imagined. My buns fit better into the chairs at work. I feel great pride in myself for facing this obstacle, so I hold my head higher. Even strangers treat me differently. And that is because of how I view myself. My feet are pain free. PAIN. FREE. I can take walks again. I CAN TAKE WALKS AGAIN!

These are things a scale won’t show me.

Scales are dumb. I hate them. For too long I defined my worth by the number on that scale, and it annihilated me mentally.

Sure, goals are important. But weighing myself every single day?

Not. Gonna. Happen.

I am strong and brave and beautiful and loved.

The number on the scale is just my gravitational pull.

I have conquered a lifelong eating disorder. And now I am slowly chipping away at the weight.

It will come off. It is already coming off.

And after all of these layers are gone and the real me is unearthed, you will still find the same strong, brave, beautiful gal.

Day 30

I had some messages yesterday from folks who don’t understand how it’s physically possible that I lost a pound a day for a month.
Well, first off my surgeon turned my football sized stomach into the size of an egg.
And that’s a chicken egg, not an ostrich egg.
I am taking in less than 500 calories per day. That is going to yield enormous weight loss at first.
Or if you speak Big Bang Theory….
I eat 2 ounces of food 3 times a day. That’s about 40-50 calories each meal.
So let’s say meals are 150 calories per day total. Then drinking 2 premier proteins throughout the day, that’s another 320 calories. So my total caloric intake is less than 500 calories per day.
A 358 pound body has a BMR of 2239. With moderate activity, (ie: walking 3 times a day) that brings the metabolic rate up to 3626.
So:
3626 calories burned per day
-470 calories consumed per day
____________
3155 cals burned per day = weight loss
If a pound is roughly 3500 calories, and I’m burning 3155, you can see how I’m losing close to a pound per day.
Below are my total steps today by 10:30 a.m. Not too shabby for someone who did nothing but sit a month ago, due to sheer pain.
Enough nerdery for now.

Day 29

I cried with a patient yesterday. She had just finished what she thought would be her last therapy appointment for food addiction.
It wasn’t. She will likely need another 3-6 months.
She was sobbing. I couldn’t hold back, I sobbed with her. I don’t always share my own journey with our patients, but this time I ripped right open.
I told her. I poured it all out that I’d had WLS surgery just a month ago. That it took 2 years of therapy to get me there.
And that some days I STILL don’t feel ready.
Do you think weight-loss surgery is “the easy way out?”
If so, then wake up. You are wrong.
It isn’t just about losing pounds. It’s about losing demons. Losing addictions. Losing self-deprecating behaviors. Losing fear of judgement.
Goliath still has to be slain. Weight-loss surgery is my slingshot.
It isn’t easy. But it’s worth it.
My sweet patient left smiling. Sometimes all we need is someone to hold our hand and listen.
And as for me, some days it just helps to lose myself for a minute and focus on someone else. It makes my problems so much smaller.
And my heart so much bigger.

I know I said I wasn’t going to weigh until my 6-week appointment. But my biz and walking buddy Nicole has been after me to weigh in. Since its been a month today, I gave in.

Down 27 pounds in 1 month!

 

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Day 27

You will likely never hear me say this again, but TGIM.
Thank God it’s Monday.
This weekend was brutal. Working through addiction is painful, no matter what form that addiction takes. It is plain to see why so many WLS patients suffer from addiction transfer.
Addiction transfer is the act of exchanging one addiction for another. The binge eater becomes an alcoholic. Or shopaholic. Whatever.
It happens.
This weekend, 4 different stressors really tested me and my new pouch. I just wanted pizza. And wine. (That makes everything better, right? Ugh.)
Even I didn’t realize how often I was pacifying myself with comfort foods before surgery.
Surgery took away my pacifier. And I am grumpy. Oh yes, that is putting it lightly.
But I have to learn how to cope with the stress of my life without pouring gravy over it and eating it.
And I am getting there. One day at a time.