You know I’m mad at You. Have been for 10 years. But I still love You. We have talked about this a thousand times, so I won’t go on about it. But please do something about it soon.
I love therapy. It is the most wonderful thing in the world to converse with someone who understands me.
You know how tactile I am.
You did good sending me Irene. Thank You for that.
She is the most wonderful therapist. She gets my neuroses. She understands why I need to be obsessed with people who hate me, why I can eat 3 bags of fast food in one sitting and then starve for 3 days, and why I start 100 projects at once that never get finished. She just smiles when I talk about the addictions, the meaningless relationships, and the closet binge-eating. She nods her head when I say I don’t eat because I’m hungry. Every part of her being seems to just understand and accept the fact that I really am a nut job.
This is something I know You’ve always understood.
When I talk to Irene, it is much like talking to You. Just peace and acceptance. No judgement. I appreciate the words of guidance You give me through her. I can tell her anything, and it’s like she already knew what I was going to say. I can’t explain why, but this makes me feel waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay less nuts. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I know I’m a hot mess. But it’s been so good talking with someone who understands my innate need for all eyes to be on me. And that I focus my energy on the eyes not looking at me. She gets that if I want someone to like me who is aloof about me in general, I make it my mission to win them over. She knows how I thrive on the challenge of making a man fall in love with me. And that the ones who resist, are the ones I want the most.
I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to change. I am tired of the drama, the tears, the punishment, and the guilt. I am begging You, please give me the strength to change. I can’t survive like this. I am tired of being this highly toxic person who attracts negative, unhealthy people. I want to change my heart, my attitude, and the way I deal with loneliness, pain and frustration. I realize this may take months, even years of behavior therapy, but I’m willing to do that and more, if that’s what it takes.
Lord haste the day that I am free of the demons that cause me to shield myself with fat. Free me from this prison so I can have a healthy relationship with a man I deeply love.