Until recently, I hadn’t published this blog in almost a year. I have been writing, I just haven’t been publishing. The changes and self-realization have been extremely painful, and until now I just haven’t been ready to open it all up to public scrutiny.
So without further ado….ladies and gentleman….
Pandora’s Box.
It seems my toughest battles are the ones that never needed to be fought in the first place. I mean truly, there is no reason for the war whatsoever, I just barge in and demand a boxing match and there’s not even anyone to get into the ring with. So instead I beat the hell out of myself mentally for something that never even went down the way I imagined it.
The wounds of staying with an unfaithful and emotionally abusive man so many years run deep.
Get this.
Yesterday morning I woke up early, went for a 20 minute jaunt on the elliptical machine, made my protein shake and stretched out on the exercise ball. A few minutes later Kevin called to tell me good morning. I felt great. Warmed up, stretched out, nourishing my body, and talking to my babe.
Nirvana.
Then my Castle on a Cloud immediately time warped into hell when I heard a woman’s voice in the background.
I thought I was going to throw up.
I stammered around trying to find the words to ask whose voice I’d heard. I couldn’t think of anything to say that didn’t make me sound like a possessive, paranoid whack-job. So I said nothing. Once the phone call ended, I sat and stewed about it for 15 minutes. So I sent him a text. I already knew he wouldn’t respond because he was at work. So when he didn’t respond, I called his job. I asked him if he wanted breakfast or coffee, to which he declined. So instantly in my mind I start thinking …”oh what man doesn’t want breakfast or coffee brought to him? Why doesn’t he want to see me? Is it because the woman’s voice I heard this morning has already served him breakfast and coffee? NAKED? AN HOUR BEFORE I’D THOUGHT OF IT?!”
Oooooookay sweetie, let’s back the crazy train up.
I obsessed about it more and more. As the day went on, I heard from him two more times. Little did he know I was holding a silent grudge because of mystery woman. I was literally mad. I had convinced myself by 2:30 that he was full out seeing another woman, so I broke out the bread and olive oil. I was about to dive in when I realized, “Booboo, you have created this entire scenario in your head.”
Kevin called me 5 minutes later and asked me to come see him at work.
I practically floated up to his workplace. I was so happy again that my love wanted to see me in the middle of his workday. As I pulled up next to his car though, I saw something that nearly stopped my heart. Another woman.
It was his mother.
She jumped out of the car and hugged me. We exchanged niceties about how nice it was to see each other. Then she said “Baby, I wish you could have joined us for breakfast this morning.”
Come again?
Apparently Kevin had gotten up early to meet his mother for breakfast at Bob Evans.
Annnnnnnd…..scene.
See, this isn’t just about eating poorly or being too lazy to exercise. Not for me, anyway. I have deep emotional wounds that I am trying to heal with food. But that’s like trying to cure cancer with Tylenol. One is not made for the other.
This may all seem very crazy to you, and if it does, honestly, I’m glad for you. I am trying to change my thought processes. I don’t fully understand why I am this way, and I probably never will. But I can own it now. I know when I am hurting emotionally, self-inflicted or otherwise, that my first propensity is going to be to turn to food to medicate myself.
Now I just have to gather the will and the discipline to stop.
