I like to be alone. But only when it’s my idea. If I want to be alone, I will do anything to avoid you. But if I am alone, but do not want to be, I turn to my addictions. Like a pouting child. Thousands of calories at a time. But later the guilt sets in, and I beat the hell out of myself for it mentally and emotionally.
But what I’ve realized is that I don’t have to be binge-eating.
It can be anything really.
If I’m not binge eating, I drink. If I’m not drinking, I call Mr. Hornball and he comes over to visit. Once I’m post-coitus, you may find me doing yoga for 2 hours. Or smoking 12 cigarettes. Or listening to the same song 400 times.
Whatever the addiction, I am committed to it 100%.
Until I’m over it. Then I switch to something else.
In every part of my life it is plain to see that I really am my worst enemy when it comes to loving myself through lonely and painful situations.
Here’s a perfect example.
The other night Kevin was supposed to come over for dinner. I cleaned up the house, lit some candles, and turned on some Sade. I made a beautiful dinner and had the wine ready. 15 minutes after he was supposed to arrive, I called his phone.
No answer.
I threw my phone into the couch pillows. I could feel myself coming unglued, and instead of dealing with my disappointment and working through my hurt, I went to the kitchen and drank the entire bottle of wine in 20 minutes.
About 10 minutes later Kevin walked in.
“Hey baby, sorry I’m late. Why weren’t you answering your phone?”
I picked up my phone and looked to see that he had called 3 times. But my ringer was turned off.
In my mind, I can catastrophize an event faster than anyone I know. I can make a mountain out of a mole hill in 60 seconds flat. In my mind, he had found something better to do while having social hour with his family, met a gorgeous, sex-crazed woman on the fly, and made passionate love to her in the back of her Escalade, all while laughing that I was sitting home alone with a big pot of etouffee bubbling and crying into my wine.
In reality, he had to pick up his daughter from school and take her to her grandmother’s house before he could come to mine.
So literally over nothing, I medicated myself with an entire bottle of wine.
The upside? The tipsy, silly dance we did to “September” by Earth, Wind and Fire.
I gotta get a grip.
