I’ve been sort of complacent about my diet lately. I’ve been controlling my intake, but the quality of the food I have been eating is low. Waaaaaaaaaaay too much processed stuff. Because it’s easy.
Mama need produce.
I’ve recommitted myself to being committed to myself. I’ve lost 96 pounds. I have 77 pounds to go. The problem right now is that I am very happy in my skin, and I’m not self-hating everyday, so there’s not the same urgency there anymore.
And then I see it.
The gut.
The arms.
Ugh. How am I ever supposed to be naked again for anyone?
Seriously.
It’s not just gonna magically fall off. I’m going to have to work much harder. So I’ve been searching for motivation.
And motivation, I have found.
At long last.
I made a promise to My Friend that I would clean out and remodel my jewelry studio. If you don’t know, I create jewelry and have a website at www.glassbeadery.com. In Spring 2008, after the devastation of my ex-husbands infidelity, my inspiration to create just died. I haven’t created anything in months, and the studio has all but turned into a storage space.
This morning I started changing that.
While I was rifling through boxes of old bills, tax statements, photos, and the dust of the past several years, I came across a piece of paper. And as I started reading it, my eyes flew open when I realized what it was.
It was the vision I had from 4 years ago, of my highest, most beautiful self. The person I wanted to be.
And as I read through the prose, I realized, this is exactly the person I have become. Tears poured down my face.
Back then I weighed 353 pounds. I was miserable. I was completely broke, living on all government assistance. My husband at the time had been deported. I had just claimed bankruptcy. My son was throwing tantrums and beating the hell out of himself and I had no idea why. I had gotten a terrible hair cut, and my hair was really, really short. I was lazy, withdrawn, selfish, and scared. One day in my gluttonous misery, I sat down to the computer, and I wrote the following:
The Person I want To Be
I am strong.
I am independent.
I have two soulmates, and their names are Zoe and Zion.
I am at or nearing a healthy weight.
I can provide for the needs (and occasional desires) of my children and myself.
I am generous with the abundance that I have.
I am patient and sweet with my children.
I am writing a book.
I am determined.
I am beautiful.
I have fierce courage.
I am confident, and no man owns me.
I own a Lexus RX300, which I bought myself.
I have hair down the middle of my back.
I exercise every day.
I monitor the caloric intakes of myself and my children.
I have a chocolate Lab named Mocha.
I am addicted to chocolate.
I own my own jewelry business.
I am reconciled with my father.
I am taking my family to Hawaii.
I relax everyday in my garden tub.
I am loving my peaceful, drama free life.
I invest part of my time in someone who can never repay me.
I am anger and resentment free.
I am proud of who I am.
And I am married to the most wonderful man.
This is the person I want to be. The person I already am.
I’ve re-read this a dozen times, and I’m still as astounded now as I was the first time I read this just a few minutes ago.
What in the world? With the exception of the Hawaiian vacation and the wonderful husband thing, (I still want the great guy, just not marriage everrrrrrrrrrrr again) every single bit of this is exactly who I am.
This is the life I envisioned, and this is exactly the life I am living.
And have created.
I love it.
