As you know, 3 weeks ago I returned to full-time work.  For the first time, my kids are in daycare in the early morning, then go to school, return to the daycare, and I pick them up in the evenings.

For years I stayed home with them, courtesy of part-time ER work and Zion’s disability checks, to “provide the best life for my son.”

Horse shit.

Zion was diagnosed with Autism during the 3 years I spent without Fermin, courtesy of the U.S. government.  During that lonely and painful time, this fat and fuzzy caterpillar crawled into a hole and all but died.

6 months ago I mustered every ounce of strength I had and I crawled out of the hole and into a cocoon.  I am currently undergoing my zillionth chrysalis.  And here is what I’ve found.

I love eating well and taking care of myself.

I love spiritual growth.

My life is possible because of my parents, my sister, and my best girlfriends.

I love looking and feeling beautiful, by taking care of my skin, nails and hair.  Taking a shower, moisturizing, wearing jewelry, scarves, and fun socks really go a long way in making me feel like a goddess.

I love spinning.  And running.  And strength training.  Physical strength increases spiritual strength, and vice versa.

I have discovered that I love working.  I love providing for myself and my children.  I adore my son, but staying home and attempting to provide his therapy myself was just not working for us.

Excuse me Miss, but martyrdom doesn’t go with what you’re wearing. 

Going back to work is the healthiest decision I’ve made in a very, very long time.

Stripping off these layers of fat have also led me to discover some very ugly truths about myself.  But it’s also helping me to change. 

Here are my findings thus far: 

Being a SAHM is noble work, but it isn’t for everyone. (SAHM=stay at home mom)

I don’t have to be a martyr to prove I love my children.

I’m not perfect.  (whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!)

Since my teen years, I have perpetuated a pattern of binge/starve, based on my relationships with men.

I am a master manipulator.

I cannot change the future, but I can prepare for it.

Women truly are the stronger species in every way that matters.

When I started this blog, this journey was about a goal weight.  A number.  A jean size.

I’ve discovered that this journey isn’t about any of that.  It’s about finding the place within ourselves which allows us to live in love, and end the cycles of self-destruction and self-loathing.

And that spills over into every area of our lives.

Our relationships.

Our work.

Our eating and exercise habits.

Even our grooming habits.

And the state of our homes.

Choosing to love myself means caring for every area of my life.  Harnessing the goddess within.  Getting up early for a run, or taking the time to chop vegetables instead of ordering take-out, or planning the 10 extra minutes it will take to shave my legs.  Vacuuming the carpet.  Turning off the TV and taking my children to the park.  Wearing a freshly washed and ironed outfit instead of wearing the shirt from the crumpled pile on the floor.

This journey isn’t about the Destination of 175.  This journey is about the freaking journey!  The destination is the destination to the beginning of the journey.  How ironic is that?

The journey to self-love.  Not the destination to a stupid number on a scale.

Hello, my name is Angela Solis and I currently weigh 275.4 pounds.  And?  So freaking what?

I am drop dead gorgeous from the inside out for the first time in my life.  And I will not let society or anyone else tell me otherwise.

And that’s exactly the way it should be.  Forever.