Change Wednesday, Dec 31 2008

This holiday season has been totally unchartered territory for me. 

 

Normally this time of year brings visions of sugarplums dancing toward my gaping cakehole.  Bags of cookies meant for my children (being consumed by only me) at mach speed in my car.  Boxes of chocolate meant to last several weeks being devoured in mere minutes, late at night, when the children are asleep.  This is the time of year for binge-eaters.  Well-intentioned gifts of sweets and offers of take-home leftovers make for stellar binge fare. 

 

This year, however, I did not binge once on anything.  I still can’t get over it.  And surprisingly enough, post holiday hilarity, I don’t feel deprived, or cheated, or like I missed something. 

 

But I also don’t feel drugged. 

 

Or sluggish. 

 

Or regretful. 

 

I feel good.  I feel strong, in control, and focused.  Granted, it’s a foreign feeling.  But it’s a good one, nonetheless.  My old trainers from Gold’s, Delana and Hot Isaac have had a huge role in keeping me on track.

 

This is also the first year in many that I’m not making New Year’s Resolutions to join the gym, stop the binge-eating, and lose weight.  I’ve already been at this for months.  In a few days at the gym, I’m sure to be surrounded by a new group of friends running on the elliptical machines next to me.  But I can only assume that, just as I have in years past, this spandexed cloud of witnesses will come and go when the resolution becomes tiresome.

 

So for a few weeks, I may have to wait my turn for my favorite machine.  But by Valentine’s Day, it will be vacant, right there waiting for me.  Sad, really.

 

Why do we make promises to ourselves that we don’t keep?  Aren’t we the loves of our own lives?  Even thousands of years ago, in the bible it was written to “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”  If we love ourselves so much, why do we hurt ourselves the most?

 

Fellow bingers, I implore you.  Step away from the giant box of Whitman’s.  Breathe deeply.  Put on your pricey running shoes, and get off your butts.  Make this year the year of the demise of your emotional constipation. It’s time to start living and stop shoving food in on top on those feelings that eventually come up anyway.

 

Most people gain 5 pounds during the last 2 months of the year.  I normally gain at least 20.  This year I lost 17.

 

Join me now, so we aren’t having this same conversation this time next year.

 

353/283/175

 

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Diet of Champions Tuesday, Dec 30 2008

Everyone in my family has the stomach flu bug right now.  And when I say everyone, I mean everyone.  My mom, sister, grandmother, aunt, cousins…everyone.  Not sure where it came from.  If I knew I would tackle the giver of this disgustingly unwanted gift, and pummel them like there is no tomorrow.  We are all held up in our homes, either praying to the porcelain god, or attempting to shoot ourselves through the ceiling space shuttle style from the blast coming out of our backsides.  Not exactly my idea of a good time.  And yes, you’re welcome for the visual.

Through the “events” of the past few days I have come to realize that I could never be a bulemic.  Never, ever, ever.   Honestly, I would rather be fat.  I will do just about anything to keep from vomiting.  I try to position myself differently, walk slowly, breathe deeply, practically meditate so that I won’t have to throw up.  I hate it.  Some people yak at the first sight of blood, or after a few cocktails.  I have probably hurled a total of a dozen times in my entire life, counting morning sickness during my pregnancies.  I’m just not a puker.

Which brings me to #2.  (pun very much intended)  The only thing worse than vomiting, has got to be diarrhea.  Now, I’m fully aware that there are bulemics who, in lieu of vomiting, will take laxatives to “poo” out all of their calories.  Again, I would rather be fat.  What is the point of looking like Kate Moss, (ew, by the way) if you have to walk like you have a corn cob wedged in your arse?  Mmmm, that’s hot.

The only benefit of this involuntary purge-fest is that I have dropped 5 pounds in 2 days.  Why is it so important for that number to be at an all time low?  It’s actually quite petty.  Because any educated person knows that the weight loss is water loss.  I am severely dehydrated.  My skin has a lovely green hue, my hair is stringy and flying everywhere, I have gigantic bags under my eyes….in short, I look like a chunky Maxine from the Shoebox greeting cards.  Lovely.  And what happens as soon as I’m well and I rehydrate?  I get my 5 pounds back.  Joy.

But I also get my color back, my healthy hair, and the ability to walk sans corn cob.  Thank you very much, I’ll take it.

So there’s one thing I can say with a fair amount of certainty.  If I had to purge to get thin, I would be forever fat.  I’ll be taking the high road to free myself of my binge demons.

So Kate Moss, put that in your toidy and flush it.

353/283/175

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The Public Eye Monday, Dec 29 2008

Yours truly August 2008

After much deliberation, soul-searching, and encouragement from my friends, I have decided to write about my lifelong battle with my weight.  Publicly.  Please try to contain your applause until the end.

I was the fat kid.  In high school, I was the chunky friend.  In college, I was the funny girl who sang in coffeehouses to try and take focus off my weight.  Instead of finding a balance between food and exercise, the years of denial and trying to hide my weight turned into depression.  That depression and subsequent feelings were something I did not know how to handle, so I started to binge eat. 

For the past 10 years, I have been a closet binge eater.  Instead of dealing with my sadness, anger, disappointment, and stress, I have shoveled in calories by the thousands.  This coping mechanism has done little except to medicate, cause some serious self-loathing, and propagate a pattern of self-destruction.

Oh, and let’s not forget, catapulting me to a high weight of 353 pounds.

After experiencing some kind of hurt, I would go to the store with the intention of self-medicating.  Food was my drug.  My binge of choice was a large bag of mini chocolate bars, a quart of mocha fudge ice cream, tortilla chips, white cheese dip, and a 2-liter of Coke.  Generally, every last bite of it was gone in less than an hour.  

Sounds like a bulemic, huh?  Well, the difference between a bulemic and a binge-eater is that a binge-eater doesn’t purge.  All 10,000 of those calories absorb into the human body as weight gain.  One of those binges could easily result in a 3 pound weight gain.  And sometimes I would have as many as 4-5 binges in one week.  Yet for so many years, I complained about being so fat.  Hello?  Anybody home?

Several years ago, I had asked my physician to monitor my weight loss.  I was going to her office every Monday to weigh-in.  One time, in one week, I had gained 23 pounds.  The nurse made me step off the scale about a dozen times, moving things around, trying to figure out what was wrong.  I just played dumb.  (“Must be water weight!”)

I spent the next several  years yo-yo dieting.  I would recover from my latest heartbreak, put away the donuts, and start some new fad diet.  It would work, for a few months, and then something “bad” would happen, and I would start binge-eating again.

Finally in 2001, one of my friends convinced me to start exercising.  I dropped 80 pounds.  For the first time, I was attractive to men.  So instead of binging on food, I binged on men.  (not healthy either, but ohhhhhhhhhh so much more fun!)

That was the year I met my husband.  I had two babies in 20 months, and my weight topped out at 353 pounds at the end of my second pregnancy.  I was miserable.   Though I managed to lose 30 pounds, my weight hovered right around 320 for 2 more years.  I would diet and get down to around 290.  But then something would set me off, and I would regain those 30 pounds.  I kept losing and regaining the same 30 pounds.  It was insane.

Finally, I sought counseling.  I knew that if I was ever going to stop binge-eating, and acheive a healthy weight, I would need professional help.  I mean seriously, this had been going on for more than a decade.

I met with a therapist who helped me deal with my emotions.  I learned that it is okay to feel pain, anger, disappointment, and stress.  I also learned that there are ways to deal with those issues…ways that do not include pouring food into my mouth like a cement truck.  I discovered that binge-eating is indeed an eating disorder, and that there is treatment available.  And lo and behold, I discovered that I can control myself.  That I can monitor my intake.  That I can exercise.  And that I can lose weight and keep it off. 

My new lifestyle is a choice.  It does not happen miraculously.  It is a daily battle.  Just as a recovering drug addict or alcoholic has to choose each day to step away from the cocaine or the vodka, I must choose to step away from the king-size Snickers.  I deal with my feelings head-on.  I’m not going to lie, sometimes it is ugly.  Reeeeeeeeeeally ugly.  I scream and cry and carry on at times like a 4 year old.  But it’s real.  And I’m not medicating those feelings with calories that are killing me in the end.

To date, I have lost 70 pounds, my lowest weight in 6 years.  I am currently a member of Weight Watchers online, which I highly recommend, for the reasonable price of $16.95 per month.  I also belong to Gold’s Gym, which I do not recommend, though I do enjoy their personal trainers.  I am taking a prescription medication called Adipex.  I listen to guided imagery CD’s by BelleRuth Naperstek.  I do yoga every morning, run on the elliptical machine every single day, and surround myself with loving, supportive people.  I have completely set myself up for success.  And if you’re in my shoes, you should do the same.

This journal will record the journey of dealing with my food addictions, and finally acheiving a sane, realistic, and healthy weight for myself.  This blog is appropriately named “Destination: 175.”  That is my goal weight.  Keep in mind that as an adult I have never weighed under 200 pounds.

That is going to change this year.  This year.  2009.  You wait and see.

353/283/175

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